"BLACK SHEEP"

I didn't know WHAT they were talking about, but I laughed along with them anyway. I couldn't ask them what they were talking about because then they would think that I was stupid, or that I was being too arrogant to bother with what they were saying. "They" are my peers, my co-workers, my friends, and even my family. Because they could not understand my hearing loss, I have been banished to that world of abnormality, that abyss of loneliness, where there is none who can share the pain I have.

If I had been totally deaf, at least I would have peace in knowing that I was part of the Deaf culture, a culture where understanding and sign language gave you a sense of identity and belonging. But alas! I have been put in between, not really deaf, but not hearing either, where I have been cursed to be a nomad, a "floater," forever deprived of having a sense of security with anyone.

I was made fun of, laughed at, mocked and scorned by ignorant children who were too cowardly afraid to venture a little further and find out what I'm really like. Teachers assumed I belonged in Special Education classes the minute they saw my hearing aids, and treated me as if I was mentally deficient. I never did attend a Special Ed classes, because I never needed it.

I was deprived to enjoy the sports I loved to play, because the coaches assumed I was too weak and nerdy because i wore hearing aids.

I overcame those obstacles that were set before me, and now I am in college, am set to develop a career in law enforcement, and to make my contribution to society. But that curse prevails, and i still cannot make a decent conversation, for I am forever socially handicapped, because not one soul ever helped me to develop a social life. Now I can only listen to others, only I can't listen in noisy places, where I always seem to be whenever someone is talking to me. If I have to ask someone to repeat themselves, they either get impatient, or upset because they think I purposely wasn't listening, or they just ignore me.

My love life has been scarred, as no girl ever had the courage to break that barrier of communication, and show patience with me so we could learn to communicate on a deeper level. I detest those movies where the women always seem to show interest in those people who are unique and different from others. Many times i have prayed the same would happen to me, but as we all know, movies are not reality....

My hearing loss has forced me to see mankind as it truly is..a selfish, cruel, hateful race that is every bit worthy of eternal damnation in hell...

But my hearing loss has also provided a beacon of light, because it can allow me to see who my TRUE friends are...and though I don't have many, I know they are sincere in their friendship to me.

My hearing loss has also given me hope, because I know that handicaps are made for a reason....they are made to be overcome!