The information in this document was contributed by Mark J. Dessert at November 1995.

A parent once said:
It is offensive to parents such as myself to be characterized as people who choose cochlear implants as one would decide on a breast implant.

To this parent, my response is:
If you were offended it is because you chose to take offense. You also twisted the analogy; which was quite clear. Breast augmentation surgery is *not* a life saving procedure. Cochlear implant surgery is *not* a life saving procedure. Deafness is *not* a life threatening condition. A mother, who signs to her child, made the statement that she could not see exposing her child to the risks of surgery for a condition that was not life threatening. Period.

Parent:
Why is it that people have to continue to criticize parents who choose CI?

Mark:
I'm going to turn this question back on you. Why did you feel the need to belittle and bully the mother, who signs to her child, for expressing an opinion opposite of yours? Seems to me that what's sauce for the gander ought to be sauce for the goose. Do you feel that the select group you belong to ought to be exempt from any and all criticism?

Parent:
Why do they think that they know so much better how to decide for our children??

Mark:
Let's shift the perspective here a bit because this isn't just a CI issue. My parents had modest education. My father got his high school diploma; but my mother had to drop out of high school to help support her brother and sisters after her father died. My parents were far from perfect. They made a number of inappropriate decisions in raising me. Now; suppose my parents instead had Ph.D.'s. Would that have made them better parents? Not likely. I say "not likely" because there is nowhere anyone can go to learn good parenting skills. I'd like to think my parents tried their best; but that doesn't mean their best could not have been improved on.

Parents are given the moral and legal responsibility to make decisions on their minor children's behalf. That doesn't mean all parents are best qualified or qualified at all; that just means they are obligated to make those decisions. This is not an issue where someone should be making a value judgment. Let's look at your question again.

Parent:
Why do they think that they know so much better how to decide for our children??

Mark:
Could it be that some number of deaf adults have been where deaf children today are? Could it be possible that some of them discovered that their parents did not make the best decisions for them? Perhaps some of them would like to spare another deaf child the pain they had to endure simply because their parents, as all parents, could not predict the eventual outcome.

Parent:
Do they "hear"? Let me answer this for you. If a child comprehends oral directions without lipreading or the use of contextual cues, then they are perceiving auditorially. CI is not the same as normal hearing, but the ability to differentiate sounds is, in my opinion, a type of hearing.

Are they suddenly normally hearing people? Of course not. They are deaf, and are able to perceive auditory signals, which can be considered a kind of hearing.

Mark:
I'm not sure what point you are making when you say, "a type of hearing," or "a kind of hearing." Let's talk about easy, facile communication.

I would wager that you take your ability to hear for granted the same as I did before I started losing my hearing. One can never imagine what it is like to not have perfect hearing if you still have it. About fifteen years ago I developed a bilateral, progressive hearing loss that was eventually diagnosed as Meniere's Disease. It is a distorted hearing loss. What I heard when people spoke to me was of a "Donald Duck" or "Mickey Mouse" quality; not unlike the description of some adult CI recipients I have read about.

Until I became completely deaf I could distinguish between different speech patterns and environmental sounds. I could guess words like, "hotdog, baseball, cowboy, etc.," in an audiologist's soundproof booth. I could even carry on a conversation with someone provided we were in a quiet environment and I was familiar with both the person and the topic being discussed. As hard as I tried, though, I could not participate fully in a group discussion; even if it was just myself and two others. Neither could I participate in a one on one discussion if there was any background noise; such as another nearby discussion.

Now, the point I am making: Easy facile communication cannot be measured in the laboratory. And it is likewise difficult to measure by observation. Only the hearing impaired person can make that judgment. I am going to tell you of my experience and get back to the children shortly.

Every time I tried to participate in a conversation with hearing peers I got some of my information aurally with my residual hearing. I got some of my information visually by lipreading, watching facial expressions, gestures and body language. Then I had to take those bits and pieces and match them up with words in my memory to "fill in the blanks" to try and build intelligent sentences. That isn't easy to do on the fly one on one. Unless someone has a very high level of speech discrimination it becomes impossible to do in a group. It is difficult and stressful and requires much concentration. It is anything but easy, facile communication. And most people thought I understood everything they said.

Parent:
Did you also read any of the recent studies on CI results?

Mark:
The title of the publication is: "Issues and Answers - The Nucleus 22 Channel Cochlear Implant System." copyright 1995, Cochlear Corporation. It was given to me by the Cochlear Corporation's sales representative on October 1995. Current enough? I would hope that Cochlear Corporation would use the most recent studies in their sales literature. Now back to the children.

Parent:

• More importantly, how many CI kids have you personally met and carefully observed??
• Until you go out and see the results for yourself, please don't comment on the efficacy.
• Once you have personally taken the time to meet 8-10 young implanted children, then let's talk. I'll compare my notes and experiences with you.

Mark:
I am sure you sincerely believe everything you say. But you must realize that children are not small adults. To your son; you are the "Daddy." "Daddies" are bigger than life. so are "Mommies," doctors, audiologists, speech pathologists and everyone else who is an authority figure. Your son is not going to want to disappoint you. I am certain you are encouraging your son in a warm way to practice his listening skills. You are giving him positive expectations in a loving way the same as any parent. Could any child *conceive* of letting their Daddy down?

You should read Henry Kisor's book, "What's That Pig Outdoors?" In one chapter Mr. Kisor relates his early experience with a body style hearing aid. His parents and his audiologist really wanted him to benefit from a hearing aid. They put the hearing aid on him and turned the volume up. When the sound pressure was so high he could feel it on his eardrums; young Henry responded, "I can hear!" He continued to wear the body aid for a long time before it was determined that he was not benefitting from it. Why was it not determined right away through a simple speech discrimination test that his hearing aid was not benefitting him? Could it be that his parents really wanted to believe that he could hear with it and little Henry wasn't about to disappoint them? (Please, Mr. Kisor, correct me if I'm wrong.)

Is what you are seeing when you 'carefully observe' a group of children with cochlear implants what is actually taking place or is it, perhaps, what you really want to believe?

Parent:
I understand that a child with a CI is not going to be able to communicate on the same relaxed, free level as her/his hearing peers; no matter how the subject is sugar coated. However I claim that also a child, who communicates via sign, is not going to be able to communicate on the same relaxed, free level - except with a small minority of people.

Mark:
Did you know, Parent, that this "small minority of people" lead full lives, have rewarding careers, enjoy arts such as live theater, dance concerts, poetry and story telling? Did you know that this small minority has local, national and international sports leagues? When I say they enjoy arts, I don't mean just passive enjoyment. There are Deaf actors, actresses, playwrights, producers, directors, coreographers, dancers, painters, sculptors, writers and many more.

A hearing woman named Jane Becker was researching elderly Deaf people while working on her Ph.D. She published the results of her research in a book titled, "Growing Old In Silence." (I could have her first name wrong; it's been a couple of years since I read that book.) Ms. Becker discovered that elderly Deaf persons are much better adjusted to old age, less often depressed and have closer relationships than elderly persons with normal hearing. (I want to point out I am relying on my memory here; I don't have a copy of the book handy to refer to.)

Please don't belittle that "small minority"; just because they are fewer in number than the majority group you belong to. A Deaf person's life is not deficient because he or she cannot hear. The world of the Deaf is much larger, more intriguing and much more fulfilling than you could imagine.

Parent:
I am still perturbed by the continued misinformation and nonsense analogies.

Mark:
Nonsense analogies? (pause...) You are receiving misinformation, Parent; but it is not coming from other people. You are reading what is in front of you and interpreting it in an entirely different manner to match what may be your preconceived notions on a subject. Please go back and read the first part of this posting again. The mother, who signs to her child, did not make a nonsense analogy. She pointed out two surgical procedures that are done on an elective basis for conditions that are not life threatening. Having small breasts is not life threatening. Being deaf is not life threatening. Breast augmentation is not a life saving procedure. Cochlear implantation is also not a life saving procedure. She made the statement that she would not submit her child to the risks of surgery because deafness is not endangering her child's life. Please show me where the nonsense and misinformation is in that?

Parent:
Is your intent in this paragraph to imply that my child will not interact with peers, won't have close relationships and won't know love... or have a full life? It sure seems that this is what you are implying. If this is your intent, then you are but one of a large group of people that feel that they are better equipped to make decisions for my son than I, and that they can predict a miserable life for my child as a result of my decision.

Mark:
You need to get out of that victim role; Parent. The only implication in that particular statement is that the signing mother's child will have a full, fulfilling life that will be in no way deficient because her first language will be ASL.

No one can predict what your son's life will be like; including you. But there are people who have been where he is today and are angry over the decisions their parents made for them. Do you think they don't have a right to their anger? How many Deaf adults who were raised orally, mainsteamed in public schools and now identifying with the Deaf Community did you meet and get to know before making an informed decision that will affect your son every day for the rest of his life? I'm not bashing you; Parent. I'm asking you a simple question. How much did you find out about the lives Deaf people lead before committing your son to being an implant patient for life? I would guess none. And you could have done more than just "carefully observe;" you could have asked them some very poignant questions.

Parent:
You know what? I have never, I repeat never, condemned or personally attacked any deaf individual for their choices regarding Culture, ASL, CS, etc.

Mark:
You certainly found it easy to insult and demean the mother, who signs to her child, who made a different decision than you did by distorting her words and applying a meaning to them that was clearly not there. And isn't that the issue Parent? You don't like the choice she made?

Parent:
Why is it that you feel a need to condemn our choices? While I don't agree with certain philosophies, I have always attempted to learn about them and certainly respect individual choices of each person.

Mark:
Really? You certainly didn't show respect for the choice the mother, who signs to her child, made for her child! I also didn't see in your reply to her any effort to learn why she made a choice different from yours.

Parent:
You will never find me implying that a parent is ruining their child's life because they don't agree with my own personal philosophy.

Mark:
Parent; you really need to get out of that victim role. Or are you being serious here? Do you really believe that everything someone says to you hides ulterior meanings? Is that the way you communicate? You say one thing; but mean another and leave the listener to figure out on his or her own just what it is you are telling them? Your listening skills might need some work.

Parent:
You claim that several orally-educated chlidren "were socially isolated; did not have normal relationships with their classmates and were very unhappy and filled with anger. I can't believe that their parents were any less well intentioned, any less caring, any less concerned than parents who are considering cochlear implants for their children."

You also claim that you can't see that the outcome for those cochlear-implanted children will be any different from that of orally-educated children.

Let me thank you for your prediction that my son will be socially isolated, very unhappy and filled with anger. Your kind and supportive thoughts and wisdom are greatly appreciated.

Mark:
There you go again. *sigh* For the last time; no one can predict the life your child will lead as a result of the decisions you are obligated to make for him. I can't; neither can the NAD, the implant team and neither can you! But there are people who have been precisely where your child was before you decided to have him implanted. Their experiences, individual and collective, are of much value in making an informed decision that will have such a large impact on the life of a vulnerable individual. I sincerely doubt that you made any effort at all to learn what your child's life might have been like had you accepted his deafness and made an effort to learn ASL yourself.

About my claim that I can't see that the outcome for those cochlear-implanted children will be any different from that of orally-educated children, I would like to offer an clarification.

Cochlear implants are not a panacea. That is not my opinion; that is a fact. When deaf children who benefitted from hearing aids and had better speech discrimination than profoundly deaf children with Choclear Implants were raised orally, mainstreamed in school and some number of them experienced the pain I noted before, how is the outcome for implanted children going to be any different? Don't you think that just one child suffereing needless social isolation is one child too many?

Parent:
How do you justify calling me crass???

Mark:
Yes; I did. Your behavior sir, was that of a bully. If you had not gone out of your way to twist what the woman, who signs to her child, said, to distort her meaning, to insult and demean her for making a different decision from you; I might never have made a comment.

I am not the least bit interested in bashing you. I am also not the least bit interested in debating with you or altering your opinion about whether to raise a deaf child orally or with ASL. Your child is already an implant patient for life and he must live with the decision you made for him. You must support your child's oral upbringing so there is no logical reason anyone should want you to change your mind.

Many parents of deaf children, however, have not yet made that decision. They _and_their_children_ deserve to have both sides of the story before exercising that obligation. Deaf people have a rich culture and lead full lives. It is heartless and untrue to imply that growing up Deaf with ASL as a first language is deficient or any less fulfilling than growing up with English as a first language.

It takes rare courage and *selfless* love to make the kind of decision the signing woman made for her child. Please note; I did *not* say that parents who choose to have their children implanted do not love their children. I am pointing out the depth of love it takes to accept a child's differences.

All parents want their children to be like them. That is human nature and it is why many Deaf parents are happy to learn that their daughter or son is Deaf also. No one can fault a parent for that; and I am not faulting you, Parent.

When the signing mother's child was born deaf; the signing mother embraced and celebrated her daughter's differences. Her child began learning a language from the crib. A rich, expressive language every bit the equal of English. When her child is with her Deaf friends she will enjoy easy, facile communication; as free and easy as any hearing child with hearing peers. There is no reason for hearing siblings and parents to not learn their Deaf family member's language and maintain as close a relationship as if deafness was never present.

When parents who have this singular courage stand up to be counted so other parents of deaf children who haven't yet made the decision can see where they stand; they deserve to do so without being insulted and demeaned. That is the only issue I have with you, Parent. I am not interested in playing games with you; nor am I "keeping score." You could have asked the woman, who signs to her child, to rephrase her analogy if you did not understand it. Instead; you chose to bully and insult her because she made a choice different from yours.

"The only thing Deaf people cannot do is hear" is a truism; it is not a cliche. Deaf graduates of Gallaudet University and National Technical Institute for the Deaf have gone on to law school and other areas of higher education.

Parent:
Why is it that people have to continue to criticize parents who choose CI?

Mark:
I'm digressing to this for a moment. Do you want to be excused from any and all criticism or is it respect that you want? The woman, who signs to her child, did not criticize or attack you or any other parent who chooses to have their son or daughter implanted. She stated that she would not risk her daughter's health and welfare with elective surgery for a condition that is not life threatening. If it is respect that you want; you might remember that people who show respect, garner respect.